Karen

2019 was an incredibly challenging year for me and those closest to me. 2018 ended on such a huge high. My business was going pretty well, my family were all well and I was celebrating my two sisters milestone birthdays at a party at the end of the December. But then January came. My mum fell ill visiting my sister over in America and flew home after some tests at the doctors.

After a hospital visit, it was clear she was seriously unwell. She was diagnosed with a brain tumor. It was inoperable. My lovely mum succumbed to a bad bout of flu and passed away before treatment could even begin March 12th. Oddly, my dad also passed away from a brain tumor too 10 years previous, so it was particularly tough going through the process again. I kept my meditation practice up throughout that period of time. I wanted to be present for mum and not go into a panic about knowing she was going to die, and my practice helped me to do that. To reflect on mum’s life, her values and what she brought to our family, her friends and our community.

The next few months were emotional and challenging but I wanted to remain present with it all and spent lots of time walking in my beloved mother nature who supported me to let go of lots and lots of tears. Even though it seemed an age before the funeral, it was quickly over and I took on the role of executor sorting legalities. I kept rooted in my mum’s values, that she would have wanted things to be done properly and work with good people. This seemed to happen naturally anyway but on reflection of being focussed on my mum’s values (her roots) that focus really helped to keep me to remain grounded and rooted too during this time. It was almost as if I connected deeper with generations of mothers and daughters before me and the love and connection between them all. Letting go of our parents can bring up awareness of ancient values, but also difficult habits and patterns of behaviors long before our our own lives were present on this earth. I became aware of the interconnectedness of all things on a level much closer to home than ever before during that time.

I slowly got back to my life purpose which is transformational coaching after a break and some extra support to help me process what had happened and things began to feel more balanced. For a while, my branches had been swaying around in the wind, but it felt OK to allow that to happen. Because of my mindful practice in nature I could allow myself to bend through this massive change and not break. I spent time deeply exploring and expressing my emotions. All of them. Everything came up. Anger, sadness, the realisation I was lucky to be alive and terrible aching holes of separation, deep sorrow and loss. Walking mindfully in nature has assisted me greatly during emotional release. I was continuously reminded of a tree and how it is the symbol of renewal of life, how we are part of this continuous circle, how my nature has helped me to let go of mum in the form of her physical body, deeply knowing that she would still be with me even after her death in some way.

Mum had planted a seed in me! Her amazing values of compassion, kindness, selflessness, and truthfulness, I vowed that her legacy would live through my coaching work even more than before. A cycle had begun in my mum and completed when she passed, but she lived on through me and my family.

As the months passed by my grief evolved and shifted shapes, healing is not a straight line and we are always learning. I knew that now I had lost both of my parents my life would never ever be the same again. I really truly had to grow up and even in my 40’s I realised that there were some things I still hadn’t truly taken responsibility for. Practicing self-awareness with meditation in nature is not about relaxation or escaping life, it is the opposite, you become acutely aware of your own behaviors, your limiting beliefs and habits and the areas in your life where you are going around in little never ending circles. Being present with yourself instead of running around in those circles is always beneficial.

Then in September, my whole world fell apart again when my partner went missing and was found later in a nature reserve in Somerset. He had taken his own life. Just like that, no warning signs, no note. I don’t remember even feeling shocked, just a deep sense of separation. The person I had spent the last 11 years in a relationship with and was practically a father to my children was gone. Just. Like. That. An outwardly happy go, lucky soul, I thought I knew so well, had vanished from existence. Love crashed around me. My fresh start after losing my mum that I was just beginning to feel, fell underneath my secondary grief and loss. But somewhere, somehow a deep sense of purpose and love came through me. My values and my roots from my mum, that symbol of the tree I kept seeing came back in stronger than I ever thought possible and I realised that like the Autumn, I was going to have to let go all over again.

This was a journey I HAD to take. There was no choice, I was going on this rollercoaster ride whether I liked it or not. I was blessed from that point onwards with connections to people that had the same values as me. His friends, my friends, his family, my family, his networks, my networks. everything was merging together. People were so kind and compassionate, so understanding, the gap between us human beings suddenly became a lot smaller through this tragic loss I was experiencing. Love showed up and reemerged in a BIG way! Together with some special people we raised almost £6000 in 3 weeks for his funeral and an amazing charity called The Lions Barber Collective who train barbers in suicide awareness. I found myself empowered through my deep sadness and I started a support group online called #loveYOUmore. I named the group this way as my partner always used to tell me he loved me more. Losing Daz has been the most challenging period of my life, but also the most self-aware I have ever been. I have realised that loving OURSELVES more is a poignant message for us all from his tragic passing.

Loss and separation has brought more and more connection and clarity for me, which sounds crazy but it has. After Darran passed away, I could see how everyone was pulling together through my loss, their loss. His death was actively helping other people to open up and let go. When someone dies, love grows even bigger and seeds of life are sown again. The symbol of the tree of life came back to me once again. Another cycle had completed and also begun. Another chance for me to become even more rooted and grounded in my values and my truth while the wind blew me around me and my family. Another chance for me to learn to let go, to plant more seeds in their place, to show up in my life as my true self, be kind, compassionate and find new ways to love again. Creating #loveYOUmore – a safe space for people to express their loss and pain, helped me and others too and I think that is the key, to be strong in our values and help others through whatever we are all going through. Helping others is my life purpose and passion.